What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

What is the reason for the high rate of unmarried individuals in America, particularly among males?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Who is someone that inspires you?

But ive been too sick for many years..

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

My life is so biszare .

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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

So whats the point in blame.

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I have no regrets .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

How do you take your erotic photos and how do you choose the poses?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

And i lived it daily.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

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He knew the spot.

But, we were locked up after school.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Is a light therapy mask a good investment?

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

When writing a novel, how can a character be developed well, but QUICKLY?

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My family never makes their pension either.

What do you love doing for fun?

It was going to be , some day.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Will Canadians still buy American products?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Where the ultimate outsiders.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Who then, do I blame.?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She married twice! .

I was seconnd youngest,

I never cut or harmed myself..

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Would this be the day?

Ive learnt so much.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I will be 64.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Was to survive, this bastard.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I think the readers, may guess!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I was scared of men, in general

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He resisted the act ,that day.

I couldn’t, believe it.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She was in good health!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I could never make a relationship work though!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

She loved him until the end.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

(And it was in our own minds.)

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

We were not on the streets..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I was 9 years of age.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

One cannot live in the past .

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Comes on , in middle age.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I was very sick at this time too.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But it wasn’t much.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

This is soul school!.

Put me off passion for life!!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I said to her

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She found it foreign!.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

When she asked me how she looked .

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I don,t even have a pension.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

As i do to all so called friends.?

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

What did i know ?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I write beautiful poetry .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

She wouldn,t have been !

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

So, i spoilt her more .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

We all went to grammer schools

All the time i was locked up.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Why did i forgive my father ?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I waited trembling.

Im still living with it.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.